Growing up in the US I have vivid memories of being brought up in a culture just filled with serious talkers.
At times it just seemed like everyone was trying very hard.. often too hard.. to be their own Marketing or PR agent.
Now of course I know that in our freemarket system of living and doing business it’s often imperative to represent these titles in order to get ahead. But I believe that something important got lost in translation especially when it came to how American Men and Women communicate to each other.
No where does this deficit seem to be so obvious as to when I listen to the general population of American Women talking.
Part of me wants to be just outright cynical and characterize it as just a bunch of blah blah blah..
But this post deserves a better explanation so I will state that the biggest problem I have is with the actual VOLUME (both in word count and decibel level) and the often unpleasant egotistical ATTITIDE that many of these women “try” to “express” themselves with.
Now if you are from the US and you’ve never been to Russia or the FSU it would be easy to think that this style of “womanly” banter is just the natural state of affairs for the female species. However once you arrive here you will begin to notice that the local beauties walking around here have a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT way of carrying themselves both appearance and conversation wise.
One of the first things I noticed was how cautious Russian Women were with the way they communicated in general.
Initially I thought this was because of some type of cultural or historical political repression that had been going on in this part of the world for hundreds of years. And to a small degree yes this tradition of public caution still remains.
However.
I later discovered a much most relevant reason as to why this style of soft spoken and mild mannered communication is so prevalent among these Ladies.
Russian Women actually mean what they say and will go to extraordinary lengths to NOT misrepresent themselves.
Or in other words..
The vast majority of Russian Women will NEVER BS you.
In the years I’ve lived here I can safely say the following.
If a Russian Woman says she will do something.. then that is considered a promise that most of you can put money in the bank on.
If a Russian Woman shares with you part of her identity on a professional or personal level then that is EXACTLY who she is.
Let me give you a small example of this.
If you are talking to a stunningly beautiful Russian Woman and you honestly feel that she looks like a model and you tell her this.. then 9 times out of 10 this woman will ADAMENTLY tell you that she is NOT a model no matter how much you try to convince her otherwise.
(Of course the lone exception to this rule is if you really are talking to a Russian Model.)
Now try to compare this response to how an American or Western Woman would respond to the same compliment.
Do you frequently encounter a response that reminds you of an entitlement queen who believes that the modeling agencies of the world are making a huge mistake by not discovering her as the next catwalk star?
Are you starting to get the idea here?
Now in order for me to discover these refreshingly modest characteristics about Russian Women I had to completely change the method I was brought up with on how to really listen to someone.
When I’m in the States I feel like I have to turn the sensitivity dial in my ears way down in order to deal with the frequent level of irritating noise coming in. You could imagine that my noise filter is set to max in this environment in order to deal with the noisy static in the air at any given time.
However in Russia and the FSU it’s just the exact opposite.
When you are enjoying the company of a Real Russian Lady you have to throw away the noise filter I mentioned and replace it with a good amplifier instead. Even with the volume turned up to max you still have to listen VERY carefully to every word that she is saying to you.
By the way.
Don’t be surprised if she is naturally coy or reserved and often defers to you to talk about your life.
Trust me on this guys.. but there’s a very good reason as to why she does this from her perspective.
She ALSO has a audiophile class amplifier, a high gain studio microphone and a high def video camera rolling in her brain and she uses it to analyze everything you do and say.
Or in other words..
The CIA and FBI would be envious of the mental file that this lady could compile on you in very short order.
A Traditional Russian Girl has a very important motive for this.
She’s not out to do your laundry..
She’s simply wants to know if you as a Man are the “Real Deal”.
She is most likely saying to herself..
“I think I’m a good girl and I’ve sacrificed and worked hard to be who I am.. so does this man sitting across the table deserve to have me?”
And Gentlemen this is a very good question for you to honestly answer from her perspective. Because obviously the more “positive responses” you can DEMONSTRATE (and not necessarily speak) for her “secret question” the more of a match she will know you are for her.
Naturally a Russian Women will assume that you will listen to her just as carefully as she listens to you.
So if you want to have any chance of making a favorable impression on her then make sure you at least make an honest attempt to do this.
Turn the sensitivity up on your own microphone and start rolling the high resolution video camera in your eyes too.
Just simply assume that everything she says has some type of deeper meaning.
I’m telling you this because almost everything she says DOES INDEED have a deeper meaning.
It could be something as simple as a one word answer..
Or it could be no verbal answer at all..
Just a look of curiosity or a beautiful smile.
But trust me on this.. whatever her response..
It carries SERIOUS WEIGHT in one form or another.
If you Gentlemen can understand this concept when communicating to a traditional Russian Woman then you will be far ahead of the curve in understanding a big part of who she is.
But most importantly she will let you know in her own special way..
Just how much she appreciates you for it.
January 5, 2008 at 1:49 pm
This is very insightful, and for most men will be a very difficult thing to do.
January 5, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Hi robofcananda..
Thanks for the comment.
I’m interested in learning why you think this would be more difficult then any other important learning curve that a Man goes through in his life?
Thanks.. GL
January 5, 2008 at 2:26 pm
It would be more difficult do to many men have these filters up unknowingly. So not only do they need to learn how to turn them off, they must also learn what these filters are. I am not saying that it cant be done, just saying that it would be difficult.
January 5, 2008 at 5:26 pm
This was a good post.
I have a question.
I have been recently working on a listening system called “active listening.” The basic premise of this is that you devote your full attention to someone when they’re speaking to you, making good eye contact, having proper posture, etc. At a normal pause in the person’s speech, you paraphrase what they just said to you. Then you seek agreement and continue listening to further comments that they might have.
I currently use this in selling situations where I’m trying to qualify my clients need for my services. It’s a way of using open-ended questioning to gain insight and deeper understanding of peoples true motivations.
I don’t use this in everyday conversation, obviously it would probably get a little irritating. Just curious as to how you think your average Russian woman would respond to this type of “listening.”
Thanks
Shinobi Todd
January 5, 2008 at 9:57 pm
Hi Shinobi Todd,
I know “active listening” very well and it will give you mixed results and many russian girls will find it strange or funny that you are trying to repeat what they are saying.
Overall it doesn’t hurt but don’t be surprised by the reserved comments you get by them regardless if you are using active listening or not.
Good Luck..
GL
January 6, 2008 at 5:14 pm
To all,
I have found the above oberservations to be very true.
Over the past few weeks the Russian woman who I have come to know is very literal with what she says. For example, early in our relationship she told me that she would accompany me to a event but it turned out that she had to work that night. Instead of making an excuse she said, “I am sorry I know I told you that I would go but I have to work.” She made it clear that she was not choosing her job or ambitions over me but she simlpy had to work and that she was interested in spending more time with me in the future.
She also listens and processes every single thing I say. I have found that she is listening very carefully with the intent that she is trying to find out what she means to me and if, as stated above, I am a worthy companion for her. I like this and it makes me what to be a better man for her.
I have found that she especially listens to and brings up thinkgs that I mentioned about past relationships. Also, I think to find out what my relationship worthiness is.
It is so refreshing that she is interested in a relationship and that she pays attentions to these details.
January 7, 2008 at 6:03 am
Well, it may be the case when you meet her for the first time or on an acquaintance level. Not all RW are like that.
From my experiences with RW, once you establish friendship with her where she feels so comfortable with you and trust you, she would become so talkative and being a excited curious catty girl asking questions and talking and talking where I can get to a point where I’d love to press “quiet” button to quieten her!
January 8, 2008 at 12:26 am
To GL,
BK does have a point there. Do RW talk too much/ask too many questions once they start to trust you?
I would generally think that would be a bad personality trait, there is something to be said for blessed silence.
Your article is great news to me. It shows RW have integrity where that quality is so lacking in AW.
A personality trait that is the most important quality for a woman to have is that ability to trust the man she’s with after getting to know him. That feminine quality called: acquiescence. It’s the biggest problem with AW they never trust you, they are always mistrusting you and guilt tripping you and getting into fights with you about your word over hers and other abhorrent rubbish.
To me this ability for a woman to look up to a man and trust him is the most important learning experience for any woman to get right in her life if she wants to have a happy and successful marriage, don’t you think?
On the subject of talk and tone of voice.
Young and old American women ever since so-called “womens empowerment scheming”
have a ragged, angry, devilish, afraid and growling undertone to their voices like they are a house cat that is being cornered by a dog, just: grrrrrrreow! (you know what I mean?) very harsh and intimidating.
Now when you had Masha do an interview on video she sounds lik a feminine woman, any man worth his salt knows what I’m talking about here. And this reflects my point in your insightful article here.
Thank You GL for another interesting article to discuss and further knowledge about real men and women.
January 8, 2008 at 6:14 am
C,
I don’t think BK’s opinion represents what I see here.
The only time I’ve really seen Russian Ladies get “chatty” is when they are in the company of their girlfriends. Even then it’s cute to watch and hear and it’s very different from their much louder and boisterous counterparts in the West.
In terms of Tonality voices I would say that what you hear with Mascha’s video is the norm. Overall very sweet.. and to be perfectly honest very refreshing.
Have I seen harsh Russian Women who have embittered tones and attitudes just like in the West? Sure I have.. But that is very much in the minority here and completely non-existent in the context of any dating or man-woman relationship I’ve witnessed.
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that these women are “weak” because of their traditionally feminine style of expression. They are very strong and put most Western Women to shame in terms of the challenges they deal with on a daily basis yet still be able to function and look the way they do. Yes I believe that RW are much “stronger” in many ways then AW but RW have no need to try to constantly flaunt or brag about it like I’ve seen so much of in the US.
Again that is why I wrote this article.
Less Talk – More Substance.
Also read this previous article I wrote.. It goes into greater detail as to what I’m talking about.
Cheers, GL
January 9, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Very insightful article and I totally agree. I’ve been to Asia and I can tell you that most girls are reserved and act like this. Most of the traditional and unamericanized girls aren’t looking to just use you for your money. I really miss the sense of connection and understanding when I talked to these types of LADIES. Now that I’m in the states, I have to talk about alcohol and gossip. Need to get the hell out ASAP!
January 9, 2008 at 6:52 pm
Exellent article, my friend! good analysis and sound arguments. I agree!
In fact, Russians as such are famous to be (sometimes awfuly)direct. It may not be very convenient for people who are not used to it, especially here in the west. However with times even here people start value and treasure it, for the basis of it is the honesty and trust. Exactly as you mentioned. Thanks a lot for that great insight!
January 9, 2008 at 7:47 pm
Dear GL
Since I discovered your site 2 days ago I am so happy. Everything you mention about RW sounds so familiar to me even though I am not a RW. I am a girl from a Western European country (I prefer to be discreet about this) living in London at the moment. I am (happily) engaged to a man with the same values and expectations you all seem to have about women. It has been a kind of relief to me in discovering that I am not alone in leading my life as I do. Like RW I take pride in my appearance, I enjoy being treated as a princess by my fiancée and in being a loving supportive wife and in the future I would like to home school my children as to not expose them to the brainwashing of this society. Many people would think that I am therefore a ‘submissive’ girl with no ‘opinion of herself’ but I have a degree in science, speak 4 languages and play piano (not that good yet but I hope I can improve as I have taken up piano lessons again). Funnily enough I think I have the same problem as many men who visit this site as I don’t find likeminded girlfriends. In this respect I can feel quite lonely sometimes. So I can symphatize with you and I hope you can offer me some advice…
Happy New Year to all!
January 9, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Hi thk103
You brought out an interesting point about your lady friend being “perfectly clear” in letting you know that you were a major priority to her. This is especially interesting since it seems like your dating relationship with her is still pretty early along.
I remember the first time I experienced the same type of sincere communication from a lovely Russian Lady and it about floored me since it is truly so uncommon to get that level of sincerity with women in the US like that.
I think your in a great position.. Keep the romance burning and just make sure that when you are with her that she knows that you are cherishing every moment you have with her. She will pick up on this for sure and will reciprocate in kind in her own special way.
Cheers Man.. GL
January 9, 2008 at 8:49 pm
Hi DJ,
Nice that you can see the similarities as to what I’m talking about with the ladies in Asia.
Thanks for commenting and please continue to contribute!
GL
January 9, 2008 at 8:53 pm
Welcome back Axinia!
Thanks for your “seal of approval” on this post. I was initially surprised about the directness that you mention that I’ve seen in many Russian Women..
But now I’ve just grown to totally love it..
You will rarely if never have to deal with any hidden agenda or ego based positioning with these great ladies. I can’t tell you how refreshing that is in this day and age of P.C.
Good to see you again my dear!
GL
January 9, 2008 at 9:05 pm
Welcome Nadia 🙂
I’ve said this to a few like minded ladies like yourself but it’s worth saying everytime..
I’m always especially pleased when a thoughtful and true lady like yourself comes on board and gives your personal testimony as to how you see your traditional womanhood in relation to the feminist group think that is out there.
The fact that you “want to be discreet” about this tells me a great deal about your social pressures.. Kind of sad isn’t it?
You just want to be free to live your life as a proud traditional lady, wife and mother and you basically have to go into hiding..
Cultural Marxism at it’s most powerful unfortunately..
Anyways.. you are ALWAYS welcome here with your insights and observations.
I think it’s great that there are a number of non-RW ladies who really like this site and find if valuable like yourself..
That really feels like a great honor and i hope you will tell any like minded girlfriends you have about our little home here on the internet range.
Keep up the good fight and don’t let the feminist peer pressure get you down. You can always pay us a visit here if you need to find some sanity..
Thanks again,
GL
January 11, 2008 at 5:34 pm
Thank you GL for the response to my earlier comment.
Russian women (RW) have no need to try to constantly flaunt or brag about it (their achievements) like I’ve seen so much of in the US. That quality is so important to me to women I would want to get to know, the selflessness. I mean women do not have to prove they can do a mans job or career just as good as a man! women are not men each of us has a specific role and position in life, thats what I believe. I believe it should be a womans priority to focus on feminine qualities first such as being a wife and helpmate and then she can focus on some form of work or higher education. My point is that Men and women are different but they should compliment each other literally and figuratively.
And I have been extensively reading your articles and really enjoyed your article: how feminism degrades women.
January 16, 2008 at 1:55 am
[…] – User’s Guide January 16, 2008 — wonderlander Responding to discussion on this must-read by Master GL, here’s an overview of, errm, ”Russian Woman (TM) Communicator”, from home […]
January 16, 2008 at 3:19 am
Greetings!
GL, another post brilliant by clarity and value! Many thanks.
Inspired me to give additional highlights to its facets, that resulted into a full-weight post (a trackback must appear now) – about honesty, low profile, active listening, volume (in db and kb), and how to deal with talking and asking.
Axinia, Nadia – best regards and a hand of friendship!
Sincerely,
Comrade Natalia
January 16, 2008 at 11:11 pm
Hi C,
I almost rolled my eyes when you reminded me about how many American Women i’ve encountered “brag” about their work titles.. I mean there are great ways to communicate this basic part of your identity without being snooty about it but sadly to say you are right.. many AW just simply fail at it..
Thanks for enjoying the site..
GL
January 16, 2008 at 11:12 pm
Hi Natalia,
Thanks for your enthusisam about this post! Hope to read your take on this subject sometime soon too..
Take care,
GL
January 22, 2008 at 12:17 am
Hello all, wishing you an excellent new year ahead and much good news! I will be traveling to Tashkent via Moscow in Mid February to spend some time with friends and of course Galina Moya serdechka, milaya moya Got to say GL, this is an excellent post you have written here. It hits the nail on the head for all of us. The more time I spend in the presence of RW the more I learn how effective less talk and more doing really is. Walking the walk is what makes life real. Words alone carry little weight. Cheers,
Mishenka
January 26, 2008 at 6:51 am
Hello everyone!
Really enjoying your site and articles.
Relating to ways that RW phrase their feelings I would like to ask if in a case that RW tell you through a letter that she misses you from a previous visit to the US and uses the term “Good Friend” relating to you, would that particular term be considered a way of distancing herself from a romantic involvement or is she open to a prelude of it?
Hope I was clear enough.:) Thanks for your input!
June 20, 2009 at 6:03 pm
Hi Rick,
“miss you” – in Russian has a bit of different meaning than in English. Most of the times RW means that she misses spending time with you, seeing you, or to be in your company. But it does not necessarily mean a “romantic” sence in it.
Now: friend.
This one is a bit tricky guys. I’ll try my best to make it clear.
First of all I open my Eng-Rus dictionary and type in “friend”. I can see 3 words coming out: друг, приятель, знакомый. The problem here that most of dictinaries will translate these 3 words back from Rus to Eng as “friend”. However the meaning of the words are TOTALLY different.
1. друг [D(iary)R(asberry)U(rban)G(reenland)] – you know that person for at least for 3-10 years. You see him/her pretty often, and if you are mad this is the one you go to share the conversation that your wife is stupid. He/she tells you: “That’s life, man!” and you are sure for 200% that this chat will stay between you forever. He/she is not asking if invited to your birthday party, he/she just comes in. So I’d say this is “real friend”, or even “FRIEND”.
2. приятель – you just see this person often. You talk to him/her occasionally, you have some news to share. Sometimes you have interesting chat and spend nice time together, but hardly you will discuss your personal problems with him/her. So I’d call it: “pal”.
3. знакомый – some of friends of your friends/pals know him/her. You are not sure what his/her name, but you’ve definitely seen him/her before.
I’d call it: “familiar”.
Let’s imagine a scale from 0% to 100%, where 0% is “nobody” and 100% is “boyfriend/husband” in relation to some girl.
I’d position “friend”(1) to the 75-95% range, “pal”(2) to the 30-75% and “familiar” to the 1-30% range of this scale.
So, can you see the problem lads? If the RW uses electronic or book dictionary she is limited to express what she really means. Now the wicked thing here if you blame her for misunderstanding at first.
Strictly IMHO: I would concider “Good Friend” as “pal” if you’ve visited her just once. It does not mean she is closed for romance, it just usually takes some time. More visits – the closer you get to the “finish”.
That’s how I see it from my Russian eyes. 🙂
Kind Regards,
Igor.
June 20, 2009 at 7:48 pm
Thank you very much for that Igor. It has cleared up a misunderstanding I had about my last gf. Spasibo!!
January 26, 2008 at 1:41 pm
RickB… I have no experience with RW, but IME with “good” women from elsewhere, “Good Friend” is very often a prequel to a romantic involvement.
It’s in no way analagous to the ridiculous “friend zone” you get with the modern, “liberated” harpies.
January 26, 2008 at 4:38 pm
Hi socon, In a away that’s what it transpired to me..
But because of the way foreigners translate/write their emotions into english often using expressions that can mean something else in their own culture/lingo, I was kind of not so sure of what to think when reading that expression..
My “Good Friend” is due here in Florida this Summer by the way. She has told me that her vocabulary has improved a lot since last september…We’ll see;).
January 29, 2008 at 2:49 am
A good, insightful article, and I agree that all Russian women can be divided to “categories”, according to their looks on life and on other people. Of all Russian women, less than 2% ever deal with marriage agencies; and even among those who do, there are very different personalities.
At the same time, the specifics of marriage business today, created a very peculiar “code of behavior rules” for women. Those who are ready to follow the code, stay with the agencies; others just pass by.
All this creates a specific environment to the whole community of “marriage-agency-women”. The men who have visited Russia (Ukraine) multiple times, develop a stable attitude to these women, and with time, begin to use this approach to ALL women in this part of the world.
This is just a stereotype, dear gentlemen. Try to set a different goal on your next trip; try to contact a different layer of population; develop new contacts which are not related to marriage business at all – and you will see a new (different) Russia!
January 29, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Hi RickB,
I’m happy you enjoy the site the way you do.. As far as your question goes.. just keep this in perspective. Whatever you say or do with your emails or phone calls is only 20% of the total picture as far as whether or not you are attracted to each other. Don’t stress out about little things like her verbage and just concentrate on going there asap.
When you do that you will look at your letters and realize how insignificant that was in comparison to the experience of being there.
Good Luck
GL
January 29, 2008 at 12:20 pm
Hi Inga,
Thanks for your validation and insight on this subject which I completely agree with. Please take the time to check out my lastest post “Russian Women want Real Men” because I think it’s very much related to this subject.
Cheers! GL
April 23, 2009 at 3:42 am
Hello there,
I stumbled across your website and I must say, it’s very valuable and insightful! I am a 21-year-old Western woman who believes in traditional femininity and your site is proof that this is valued by true gentlemen such as yourself. All the women on this website are very beautiful (on the inside as well as physically, from what I’ve read so far).
About a week ago, I was at a friend’s house and a lovely girl studying abroad from Europe was there. She asked if I was American and when I said yes she said in a disappointed tone “oh, I thought you were Russian.” After seeing this website, I think that was a wonderful compliment and very flattering.
Keep up the good work and hopefully more young women like myself will see this website and embrace its advice rather than the trashy, feminist stuff that is plastered all over the web.
June 21, 2009 at 4:02 am
Hey there Manda,
How willing are you to share some more details of your life and beliefs with the rest of us? It might be very helpful to everyone here if we had an idea of the general area of where you live, the sort of feelings you get from the rest of your peers as they find out about your traditional beliefs relating to femininity and relationships. There is such a dire need for young women like you to step up and share the thoughts you have about returning to values which built our NA culture. Every bit that you can contribute to reversing the damage that feminists have done will be greatly appreciated by those of us who don’t think it’s too late to make a difference. It’s just a thought but I’d bet that everyone here would look forward to your insights.
Thank you,
Richard
July 1, 2009 at 10:55 am
I am an American engineer who lives in the Ukraine {Alushta on the Black Sea} I have lived there for almost 5 years now. My Lida is the most {in my humble opinion} loving honest and wonderful women I have ever met. I of coarse married her as I truly found my soul mate and would not change anything about her even if I could. I have read through the blogs here and must say I agree with 90% of them. As I live in the Crimea {Called the Crem in the Russian language}and the language spoken there is predominately Russian, while most of northern Ukraine speaks Ukrainian although 98% of the “Crem” speak Russian and are of ethnic Russian stock {with the exception of the local Tartar population} and are very proud of there cultural heritage. The first thing I discovered about the woman of the Ukraine is that they are very well educated and strive for self improvement constantly. They do not necessarily chat like an AW and if they do say some thing they mean just that and will go to great lengths to be seen as very serious and straight forward. I find this quality very wonderful and useful as I can always expect a honest opinion from them, now there is the other side of this is that they will tell you also what they feel and will not “Gild The Lilly” this perceived bluntness is simply there ability to be 100% honest with every one. I have had American male guests visit my wife and I and comment on this so I have to explain that this is part of there culture and really is better then not knowing how your date feels. Some American men will undoubtedly be offended by this but {and I can only speak for my self in this} I personally want to know when I am doing some this wrong or just plain stupid. The other great thing about Russian/Slavic woman is that even though they are very feminine and dress and carry them self’s well do not think that they are weak and submissive. They are strong and have to deal with things in there every day lives that would turn the average AW into oatmeal in a matter of hours. First off they walk every were they travel in town, There are few private owned autos, there are very few elevators in most buildings and none under 7 stories have them so they are always walking up and down stairs. They have such a strong sense of family and friendship that it still amazes me when I see it, what I mean by that is when they say they are your friend they are not just wasting words, they are loyal to a fault and will stand by there friends in thick or thin, {This goes double for family}Trust for them is simple,, You do or you don’t, so if they say they love you its words of pure gold, Also a little advice to you gents ,, When they use the words “Is Necessary” don’t argue,, It will just get ugly ,,lol,, I have made a small joke but there is also truth in it. Now when they listen to you they will listen to every thing you say and will be remembering all of it word for word,, So with that said if you are going to say some thing to them be prepared to do what ever you say or you will be perceived as only a man of words and not of action and that will not be good at all. They will also expect you do the same with them,, They do not talk as much as AW so when they do please listen to what she is saying,, Its always important that you do so. Also there love of art and culture and history is always impressive, so be ready to visit the museum or Theater and catch a play at any time and do not call the Movies the theater as that is called the cinema {They will correct you ,,lol,,} ,, Its really quite nice after its all said and done. Also remember that when you do visit there museums that you are viewing there side of history, Its correct for them and it should be respected as such as there are very many similarities but also some differences and they are not wrong as it is history as they lived it so do not be rude and point it out as wrong or old Soviet propaganda as we did that plenty our self’s and we are after all in there country and that also should be respected. I have also noticed that they do not apologize much at all, maybe that as Americans we apologize to much, in any event I some times will try to bait Lida into a discussion involving some pointing out on my part that she is wrong,, I have yet to have her admit it ,,lol,, I admit I do this because I love her very much and like to tease her and maybe I am wrong in doing it but I do find it very educational and amusing, Thank the God in the heavens that she is a patent woman who loves me I hope this was helpful to those of you thinking of finding your soul mate in the former Eastern Europe ,,, thomasmkelly60@yahoo.com
August 25, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Very interesting post on listening. I liked it.
I’ve found that with a past-girlfriend and other Western women I’ve talked at length with face-to-face, they’ve been put off by me giving them my full attention – they just weren’t used to it.
Now I was by no means staring, or pulling a face, or drooling, I was just sat listening intently, quite neutral, just paying attention and when they finally clocked on to the fact I was genuinely paying attention, they’d stumble and falter, sometimes not being able to recover their train of thought. It’s nice to think that the same scenario with an RW would be considered more natural.
I’d also like to second the comments on Asian ladies. I had the pleasure of meeting a very charming, sweet and feminine Korean national once (she had the cutest American accent as a result of her studies) and she mirrored the RW quality of listening carefully and giving you her attention.
It’s such a pleasant, refreshing change when you’re actually engaged in conversation with someone that involves one person speaking while the other listens, then visa versa – as oppossed to one person speaking while the other *chomps at the bit for their turn to speak*. There’s a big difference, in my eyes.
August 25, 2009 at 6:12 pm
The way we all listen to each other has fascinated me for most of my life. I you were to take a world map and starting in the US, and then make a series of ever larger circles outward (like ripples in a pond) I think you would find that the further you get away from the US the more people (men and women alike) listen during a conversation.
I have also noted on many occasions that women listen much closer when there is no concern about whether or not there is any sense of romance involved. It is typically NA women who are worst at this, but if they are not at all interested in you romantically, you will have a much better chance of being heard. But since we (NA men, mostly) seem to think every casual conversation with a woman needs to lead to something more intimate, the response is well understood.
Making our personality show beyond our desire to mate is a challenge for a lot of men. Believe it, deny it, agree or disagree; it doesn’t matter. We have all developed (or evolved into) defensive conversational habits in NA and some other regions. As the world shrinks through our ever increasing technology, this is sure to grow and most likely will eventually be commonplace everywhere in another generation or two.
Another observation linked to that point is that as I’ve reached middle age and the perceived ‘threat’ of me being romantically interested in young women has given me an opportunity to engage in wonderfully stimulating and meaningful conversations with the adult children of many of my friends. The past few years have been quite insightful and refreshing as I see in young people the same idealistic dreams and depth of conviction that I remember from the days when my friends and I were in favor of saving our planet and outspoken against the Viet Nam war. Young people may be losing many of the traditional interpersonal skills of communication but they still have all of the same hopes, dreams and desires that everyone else has ever had.